im so screwed. screwed screwed screwed. (x another million billion times, pls)
today is wed. exams on mon. that gives me 4 days to START my revision. but minus Thur and Sat for freaking inappropriately-scheduled CT lessons. WHAT?!?!?! which prof in his right mind would schedule some non-examinable class 4 and 2 days before the term exams?!?!? M-A-D-N-E-S-S. but then again, we're talking abt a prof who's not so in right mind hurhur. which is why i like him. but now i hate him for having classes at the wrong time. ugh.
so CT's tmr (MAYBE). up till now the class ain't sure. WHAT IS GOING ON??? he's irresponsible? maybe. has this got sth to do with the other grp's "Creativity out of Chaos"? Who knows??
we're still doing the video.....im still lingering about. NOT STUDYING.
NOT yet started, even. what the hell is wrong with me. do i really think i can get away with last-min revisions??? like i sometimes do? hmmm.....luck has only a little to do with it. most of it comes from time and effort put into studying and practising. SO, stop loitering about in Dreamland missy. Get back to reality, start your revision. Its only a one-chance thing. i dun wanna screw up like my MA. *shudder*
which reminds me, i think i made a promise to myself at the beginning of the term. to be consistent, and hardworking. i think i have been trying my best to be consistent (at least at up till mid-term). I have put in my best efforts at my projects. So i cannot disappoint myself by screwing my exams. Since i think the grades i have gotten so far should not fare too poorly, the exams must be a plus-point for me.
YES. STUDY. SMART.
Posted at 03:07 pm by deepdarkchocs
Sunday, April 04, 2004
li
went for ph's 21st bday last night....she's (finally) 21!
looking back, i knew her when she was 12, but only got close when she was abt 15 (me 14).
years have passed. and the bond that we, including everyone else, cultivated thru our years at li are still strong. the experience and memories shared thru the studio sessions, practices, rehearsals, performances, preparations for all sosts of events, CAMPS etc etc....will forever remain a very special part of our lives. we all agree that they are very precious memories we will never acquire again elsewhere.... a pity shao er zu had to disband.
anyway, ph seemed somewhat subdued and not very excited. hmmm.
we spoke but i realise we're not as close anymore. absence and time do seem to dilute certain things.
but overall, we're still good. and evryone seems to be coping well. was surprised to see chuang rei there too! a pity a few others couldnt be there... haven't seem them in such a long while.
as we grow older, and carry on with our separate busy lives as students or working adults, hopefully we can still come together once in a while for a get-together. ties like these are hard to come by, and maintaining them are even harder.
Posted at 03:41 pm by deepdarkchocs
Saturday, April 03, 2004
finishing line...perhaps
its almost end of term 2, yr 1.
wow, talk about time flying. cliche but absolutely true.
in 2 wks time i shall bid uni 1st year forever goodbye.
and with that, hopefully the painful memoy will leave me forever in peace. but with its departure, may a sense of relief and new understanding take its place.
i think it wont be as difficult as i imagined it to be.
yesterday felt ok. it didnt revoke that event, nor did i leave u feeling hurt or forgotten.
i think the anger and bewilderment is gone. for good i hope. and i no longer wanna experience anything like that ever.
i always wonder about human relationships. what sorta circumstances forces ppl to know each other, and become friends only becos they had to know one another. the fostering of friendship can be easily accomplished thru challenging/exciting activities, school, hardships, accidents, friends of friends etc.
so without the presence of a such environments, how can 2 strangers meet one another and have anything develop btwn them?? becos we live in the real world, where nothing like hollywood ever happens, the possibility of 2 strangers meeting, knowing and then falling in love is soooo minute.
and when anything that shows a potential occurs, yet it is interrupted by unwelcoming events, where will it lead them to? things might change courses, feelings may quickly subvert, ppl might forget.
and then, fullstop.
will it be a fullstop? its like an ellipse now...i shall see
Posted at 03:35 pm by deepdarkchocs
episode 2
the plot evolves...
scene: reasons, apples, lockers
interval: a familiar face among a grp of ppl, a tired smile, and a brief exchange about the papers.
scene: walkabouts
a pity it might just END abrubtly, even before the story unfolds......
Posted at 03:11 pm by deepdarkchocs
Tuesday, March 30, 2004
reaching the peak
done with bgs. done with AS. done with Biz law pres.
almost done with FA. haven't got started on CT.
now that i'm almost done with all the projects of the term, i think i can finally breathe a little.
*phew* what a great relief after handing in the bgs report today. A huge load off my shoulders.
after Thur i'll be left with pnly CT, which shall be so fun (and embarrassing)!
and its time to start focusing on studying on exams.
yep. focus on studying, and not actually studying. YET.
gotta get some of this hit outta my way 1st. clear my very cluttered mind. and then embark on climbing upwards towards the PEAK - studying-cum-cramming-cum-stressing period.
Posted at 12:36 am by deepdarkchocs
Saturday, March 27, 2004
the plot I
11
(conversation strikes)
b: hey nice laptop!
g: =) thanks!
b: what brand is it?
g: *brand name
b: oh what's your name, btw?
g: *name
b: oh ya...
...
b: is anybody waiting for u?
g: (smiling) erm...yeah i guess.
b: ok, bye then.
t: hey, thats not the way to pick up a girl ok? (smiles at g)
25.
(opportunity arises)
g: (to friend) hey, they said its mon.
b: its not they, its ME.
g: oh haha. so its YOU!
(b goes on about the details)
b: oh, whats your name again?
g: (bewildered) do u know its the 3rd time yr asking?
b: (smiling) oh ya, yr * rite? yay,see? i remembered!!
g: (amused) haha, yay...
x: hey do u know why he has asked for your name 3 times? he's just trying to speak to u more!
(b turns to x, embarrassed. g smiles annd pretends she din hear it)
(some pointing goes on. and names mentioned.)
26.
voices: u know abt it too??? its a secret!!! ssshhh.....
Posted at 09:25 pm by deepdarkchocs
these few days
have been a mixture of madness, sadness and exhaustion.
wed was bgs pres. it din went as well as we planned. all the efforts put into doing up the posters, banner, timeline and gallery didnt go down well with the class. they felt "lost". if they had listened to our pres they would know the purpose of visiting the timeline and gallery. senseless ppl.
anyway our pres wasn't as ra-ra as the other grps (we were speaking at a CONVENTION!) and they got bored after a while. sigh, was it demoralising.
the panel was bias. flawed. fancy voting without all judges present. thank god there ws a vote recount. we're now 2 ranks higher than before. i think it is an accomplishement. but it really depends what prof's ranking is. anyway, there's still the report (which im supposed to have completed by now. yikes) to be handed in in 2 days. hope it turns out well. i want to make it good, but im tired, demoralised, and feeling sickly. so, i'll just see what happens.
thur turned out to be memorable. i actually created an opportunity for myself. hoho. and it worked. his friends revealed a little more. and hence i found out more. he's quite cute, and more importantly, intelligent. hmmm i dun wanna assume anything as yet, even tho j said sth that made me v pleased. i hope its true. but i dun wanna jump at any conclusion yet. so i'll just wait and see. but its a pity term's ending really soon. yesterday i din have the opportunity to speak to him. =( oh well...
finally met up with them for coffee yesterday, and got everything out of my system. the painful memories came back. but this time the hurt was not as intense. i think i've given it up. but its hard to say. its like, out of sight, out of mind. but when u return once again within my sight, that'll tell me where i stand.
i have since sunken into the restless i-can't-seem-to-get-started mode again. after the adrenalin rush prior to bgs, im now sapped of energy and drive. i need to get 2 reports and 1 test ready within 2 days. UGH.
gotta get started on work!
Posted at 09:10 pm by deepdarkchocs
Sunday, March 21, 2004
still in iceland
a few days have passed, my anger has simmered, my hurt has levelled out.
im not feeling so bruised anymore.
since i can't do much with the way u choose to treat me, i can only wait and see what happens. in the meantime i'll still be me.and maybe things will get better after some time... thats if u finally decide to not act so insensitively.
so i tried talking. but again, what i got was the cold shoulder. again.
sigh i dunno what i can do to make it better.
nothing i guess. i'll just have to wait for the change in you, or wait till i get the answer im looking for.
Posted at 12:15 am by deepdarkchocs
Tuesday, March 16, 2004
...
Damn my situation and the games I have to play
With all the things caught in my mind
Damn my education I can't find the words to say
About all the things caught in my mind
Me and you what's going on?
All we seem to know is how to show
The feelings that are wrong
<Don't Go Away, Oasis>
Catch myself
From despair
I could drown
If I stay here
Keeping busy everyday
I know I will be OK
.
.
.
So much hurt,
So much pain
Takes a while
To regain
What is lost inside
And I hope that in time,
You'll be out of my mind
And I'll be over you
<Out of Reach, Gabrielle>
Posted at 01:52 pm by deepdarkchocs
it lingers
i don't wanna lose you,
I don't wanna use you
Just to have somebody by my side And i don't wanna hate you I don't wanna take you But i don't wanna be the one to cry That don't really matter to anyone, anymore But like a fool i keep losing my place
And i keep seeing you walk through that door
But there's a danger in loving somebody too much
And its sad when you know its your heart you can't trust
There's a reason why people don't stay where they are
Baby sometimes love just ain't enough
Now i could never change you
I don't wanna blame you Baby you don't have to take the fall
Yes i may have hurt you
But i did not desert you
Maybe i just wanna have it all It makes a sound like thunder
It makes me feel like rain
And like a fool who will never see the truth
I keep thinking something's gonna change
But there's a danger in loving somebody too much
And its sad when you know its your heart you can't trust
There's a reason why people don't stay where they are
Baby sometimes love just ain't enough
And there's no way home
When it's late at night and you're all alone
Are there things that you wanted to say
Do you feel me beside you in your bed
There beside you where i used to lay
And there's a danger in loving somebody too much
And it's sad when you know its your heart they can't touch.
There's a reason why people don't stay who they are
Cause baby sometimes love just ain't enough.
Baby sometimes love just ain't enough.
<Sometimes Love Just Ain't Enough>
days have passed on, but the painful memory lingers.
i really dont want to blame you. i don't wanna be angry with you.
i don't want to lose you without knowing your side of the story.
im told that you're not doing this deliberately; its because you don't know how to act.
im told that if i get the pt that you're probably not doing this intentionally - then it will start me on the path to healing. can i really do that?
im caught in two worlds - the worlds of struggling to remain level-headed and continue being friendly, and trying not to let anger overtake my doubts.
im not totally gone. not yet, anyway. i hope i have enough willpower to rise above this emotional sap. i thought i was strong enough, that i would not give so much, and allow myself to get hurt so easily. apparently i can't. i got so affected with what happened. its the 1st time i've shed tears for this kinda thing. more than once. it hurts just thinking abt it.
the thing is, i can't blame you without knowing whats really going on. i can't let myself think of you as sb who knows of how hurt and confused i feel, yet continue acting this way. and worst of all i can't find out the truth.
so what am i supposed to do? keep trying? forget it? act as though nothing happened? give it up?
how should i feel? level-headed? hurt? confused? strong?
give me a sign, i beg of you.
the speckles of hope in the distant are slowly but surely fading away.
